The Last Argument I had (Prompt 20)

It was on the day of love, with someone I love.
It really sucked. Mainly because I don’t even like Valentine’s Day and my hopes were raised this year with promises of a fun day. And it just didn’t happen at all.
I was more disappointed that I built up these high expectations and they weren’t meet at all.
I’ve never had anyone to celebrate the holiday with and so I figured that this year since I did I would get to experience what everybody that is in a relationship each year experiences.
He said he had a plan, but that it didn’t go his way.
It was awkward because I gave him the valentine gift I was excited to give to him and the “Oh Shit” look on his face is one I probably will never forget.
He thanked me and then told me that he would be right back, and I knew that he was going to go to some store and try to scramble some last minute Valentine’s Day gift. And I let that hurt my feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t upset because I didn’t get a gift, I was upset because I felt like I was an after-thought — that I wasn’t someone special enough to take the time and consideration to do a little something for.
So I told him that I didn’t want anything that he was going to get.
We sat in my living room for an hour, he watched TV and I read a book.
And then we started arguing.
He said that his plan was ruined because my family was in town in the morning and that he was going to show up with flowers.
I told him I was sorry my family was there, but that I didn’t understand why they were a problem since they left early in the afternoon, leaving plenty of time for the two of us to celebrate the holiday.
He apologized and said he was an idiot and wanted to make up for it.
I didn’t let him because I felt like anything he did was out of guilt.
I cried. He cried.
And I went to bed feeling like I’m not the kind of girl that deserves the all that silly romanticism ... Maybe that isn’t in my cards, because no one has ever shown me that or done anything like that for me.
I was even more mad at myself for getting wrapped up in the excitement of Valentine’s Day all for nothing. I was looking forward to finally having someone to spend it with, especially someone that for weeks kept talking about how much fun it was going to be.
I have to admit that Valentine’s Day is a lot easier when I was single not expecting anything from anyone.
I know that I’ll get over it and that we’ll move on.
But I don’t know if I was in the wrong for getting so upset and feeling so disappointed.

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A date I would love to go on (Prompt 13 out of 30)

A night under a blanket of stars, a bottle of wine (or beers) and a fire nearby ... 'nough said.

I fancy myself a simple gal. I don't need a gourmet meal or anything extravagant. 

But I am definitely a romantic, as much as I try to deny it, I am a hopeless, hopeless romantic. 

The first line I wrote on top sounds like perfection. Me and a sweet guy grabbing a couple of blankets and heading out into the sticks away from everyone else and just cuddling up looking at the stars, talking away, flirting and laughing deep into the night. Absolute perfection.

Maybe even a little Josh Turner or Randy Rogers Band playing in the background and some two-stepping and kissing under the moon. 

Even hauling along some mallows and chocolate and fixin' up some S'Mores.

That's not too much to ask for, right?

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My current relationship, if single discuss how single life is

I am single. I've been single most of my life.
I guess I’m not big on relationships. I've never really been good at being in them. I feel like I am good at being single, it’s easy. Yes, it does get extremely lonely. And I think the older I’m getting the toll of the loneliness is setting in.
I've never really cared about not having a boyfriend when I was younger, especially when I was in high school and then even more when I was in college. In high school I enjoyed being a kid. I did have a couple of puppy love flings, but it was never anything serious. After high school I joined REACH (the Catholic traveling youth ministry I was a part of for a couple of years) and we were obligated to be on a single commitment, which some who were on team with me would argue that I didn't truly commit to the singleness, but that’s a story for another day.
Once I started college I was blessed to have an amazing roommate and make new friends with a bunch of young women who embraced being single and having a blast. College was so much fun and I never felt tied down by a guy or a relationship. I grew up a lot as a young woman and experienced college the best way I think anyone can — being single.
The last time I was sort of taken off the market was last spring/summer. Though technically I wasn't in a relationship because I was too scared to commit to the guy I was dating. (I have some weird trust issues, and well, trouble letting go of my single life). Dating my ex, I realized how much work you have to put into a relationship and how much of your life you share with another person. It is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, I like sharing my life with another person, but at this point in my life I don’t want to waste time spending it with the wrong someone.
Though I do enjoy my single-life, I am hoping that I can soon find someone to possibly be in a relationship with. But I’m picky and impatient at the same time. Everyone that I talk about my singleness with tells me you’re young, be patient, it’ll happen, there’s someone out there for you, don’t settle. And I know all these things, but I’m just ready to have someone that I truly want to be with and they truly want to be with me.
To be completely honest I’m just tired of being alone — doing everything alone and not having anyone to share this life with. I’m not saying that I’m prepared to go out and get married, I’m saying I wouldn't mind having someone who wants something more than ‘hooking up.’ I’m not a settler either, I've been lucky to meet a couple of guys lately that want the same thing I do, but I just don’t feel that connection with them. I don’t want a boyfriend just to have one. Maybe I’m weird, but I’m looking for that “spark,” that “connection” with someone, I've felt it before in past relationships, but they weren't meant to be, I suppose.
I’ll wait until I feel those stupid little butterflies and wait for Mr. Right, if he even exists. Being single does have its perks, but I think I've out-perked them all.
Life’s too short to be living it alone.

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Sealed With A Kiss

My Last Kiss ... 

Was one that was definitely unexpected and, well, I guess needed.

I won’t go into the details of my last kiss, because that’s just a bit awkward for me and I’ll stick to the golden rule “Don’t Kiss and Tell.”

But I’ll tell just a little bit ;P

I’m still not sure how I feel about it, but it happened and it was nice. At least the guy he’s a handsome one who is a good kisser.

I still had someone else's kiss lingering on my lips ... its memory still freshly pressed on mine.

You know when you eat something that just doesn't taste right so you’re told to eat a cracker to cleanse your palette? Well that’s what my last kiss did for me.

I couldn't take having the last person I kissed already done gone kissed somebody else, and me here still reminiscing those past sweet smooches. 

So I really needed to change that and I did. It was fun.

Speaking of reminiscing on past kisses, there’s been three times in my life where a kiss has left me breathless .. this last one wasn't one of those moments, but gosh, I have to say I love a kiss that makes you feel like fireworks are popping in the night skies — just for you two.

I love getting kissed — the really passionate ones, the really sweet slow kisses, tired lazy kissing, blowing kisses, stealing a kiss, getting kissed awake, kisses on the forehead and on your cheek — but who doesn't, right?

The best have to be the one’s you share with someone you really love. They warm up your entire heart and make you feel like you’re floating through the clouds ... usually leaving a cheesy smile plastered on your face for hours. 

Sigh ... to be in love and be kissin’.

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I'm On the Pursuit of Happiness

(This isn't part of my 30-prompts list just F.Y.I.)
Ever since I was maybe 15-years-old, I learned something about myself that I knew I was probably going to have to deal with the rest of my life.
I know that there are many skeptics out there who believe depression isn't an illness or it's just something people say they have to use as an excuse for laziness or whatever. But I am someone who struggles with depression ... it scares me like hell.
There have been two times in my life where I have fallen into a deep depression that I had to seek medical help to pull me out. Luckily, my family has always been understanding about my feelings and my struggles. They have never questioned why I can get so sad sometimes and they have always got me the help I needed when I haven't been able to help myself. Those two times were horrible and I don't really know how to describe it other than imagine having someone hanging everything that makes you happy over your head and you jumping as high as you can to yank it away from them but never succeeding.
It's been maybe seven years since I let myself land in a place where I couldn't make myself happy again. But I live in constant fear of when my depression will sneak up on me and pull me under. I know what triggers it and it usually happens when my life abruptly changes or I feel completely crushed by people around me. I'm always on edge when something in my life makes me super sad, because not only am I stressing myself over my sadness, but also worrying if the tides of depression will rise above and drown me.
Another thing that I struggle with is being happy. It takes so much energy for me to be happy, which is supposed to be a natural thing, right? I don't know if that's a symptom of depression, but I feel like I have to work so hard to just be happy. The thing that irritates the heck out of me is that I am blessed with such a great life and I have all the reasons in the world to be extremely happy. I know that makes me selfish and stupid.
I'm trying to be more optimistic and I'm trying to grow up and I'm trying to not let unhappiness hold me back like I have let it. It's affected my relationships and it's held me back from letting people into my life. But it's so hard to do when people can be so disappointing in this world.
The question I ponder is, are a few months of happiness and love worth it if in the end I might have to pay the consequence of dealing with a heartache and sadness that can open the door of depression? Or do I continue to close myself off from people who may offer me love and happiness and choose to live my life in fear of feeling anything because I'm too afraid to feel the one thing that's my kryptonite?
It's been said many a time that life is complicated. And I absolutely agree. I may fall down time and time again, but the beautiful thing I've learned about myself is that I don't give up on life and I know that it will take a thousand years of complete sadness to possibly stop my constant pursuit of happiness. I have hope that I will one day feel content, satisfied and completely happy with the life I've lived.
I will live my life through the pain and struggles as beautifully as I can.

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The Kind of Person that Attracts Me ...

They say you can't help who you are attracted to, but I think that is not true.
When I'm attracted to someone I can almost point out the reasoning behind it.
In a nutshell, I'm attracted to ...
• Confident people
• People who don't give up on things easily
• People with goals
• Sarcastic and slightly a**holish people
• People who love to laugh and crack jokes
• I like tall people and who have some fluff
• Athletic people
• I like people with big ears and have smiles that are contagious
• I love people with even bigger hearts who go out of their way to help others
Now some of these traits can go for both male and females, I mean if you meet my best gal pals they probably have the first top five qualities and last one.
When it comes to guys most of that list fits in, but I am usually taken away by how honest a guy is. I don't like bulls***. I like when guys are upfront about their feelings and intentions and don't lead me on. I find that very attractive. I like guys who have their lives together, are hard working, smart and passionate about life.
When I think about the guys I've dated throughout my life and categorize them into stages of my life like, high school, college and now I would have to say that what I found attractive in high school isn't what I find attractive now. I feel as you grow older all your tastes develop and change, whether it's foods, music, books or people you like ... trust me I used to love rap music and now I can't stand it and I hated broccoli, but now absolutely love it. I think the same can be said about developing tastes in the people you're attracted too. You most certainly don't stay the same so why would your preference in the people you like not change?
Finding someone attractive, I feel, is a collection of the little things that you enjoy from all the people you care about in your life.
Hitting the jackpot would be finding all those quirks you like in one person and hoping they're attracted to you as well.

Oh and just for kicks and giggles these fellas are my top five celebrity crushes! ;P

 

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