I've Got Death on my Mind ...

My mom and I were chatting last night and the topic of discussion was death, well more the topic of funerals.
 My mom is a bit of a weirdo and she’s always said that she hopes she doesn't live to be old, which old to her is 50, evidently (Not funny to me and my brother, BTW).
She told me last night that she was going to write a “death book.” When I asked her what she meant she said she was going to write down the specifics of how she wanted her funeral to be conducted.
Her wishes, as of now, consist of leaving her casket closed, she does not want flowers (her motto has always been, “give me flowers when I’m alive, what good are they to me when I’m dead!), she wants her co-workers at Gandy Corp. to be her pallbearers and she wants us to play her favorite Tejano songs. Pretty morbid, right?
She got me thinking about what I would want my funeral to be like. I mean it is kind of your last “hoorah” before you physically disappear from this earth. I've always told my mom that I wanted her to play the song, “Smile” by Charlie Chaplin, but that’s about it.
So last night I added to my final wishes, and told my mom if I happen to die young that I’d like my pallbearers to be my Albuquerque guy friends. In which she told me she already figured that and told me the six she had already picked out ... she’s crazy. That’s the only other detail I've added, because quite frankly I hope I have a lot of life to live. But I know that tomorrow is never ever a guarantee.
I know that funerals are most definitely not a fun occasion, but I’d hope that my life would be celebrated at my funeral. That people would remember the great times, along with the bad and hopefully I would leave them with a smile anytime I’d happen to run across their minds.
Just felt like jotting down the convo I had with my mom and remind you to love with all your heart everyday, cherish those in your life and live like there is no tomorrow.
Life’s too short to live any other way.

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I'm On the Pursuit of Happiness

(This isn't part of my 30-prompts list just F.Y.I.)
Ever since I was maybe 15-years-old, I learned something about myself that I knew I was probably going to have to deal with the rest of my life.
I know that there are many skeptics out there who believe depression isn't an illness or it's just something people say they have to use as an excuse for laziness or whatever. But I am someone who struggles with depression ... it scares me like hell.
There have been two times in my life where I have fallen into a deep depression that I had to seek medical help to pull me out. Luckily, my family has always been understanding about my feelings and my struggles. They have never questioned why I can get so sad sometimes and they have always got me the help I needed when I haven't been able to help myself. Those two times were horrible and I don't really know how to describe it other than imagine having someone hanging everything that makes you happy over your head and you jumping as high as you can to yank it away from them but never succeeding.
It's been maybe seven years since I let myself land in a place where I couldn't make myself happy again. But I live in constant fear of when my depression will sneak up on me and pull me under. I know what triggers it and it usually happens when my life abruptly changes or I feel completely crushed by people around me. I'm always on edge when something in my life makes me super sad, because not only am I stressing myself over my sadness, but also worrying if the tides of depression will rise above and drown me.
Another thing that I struggle with is being happy. It takes so much energy for me to be happy, which is supposed to be a natural thing, right? I don't know if that's a symptom of depression, but I feel like I have to work so hard to just be happy. The thing that irritates the heck out of me is that I am blessed with such a great life and I have all the reasons in the world to be extremely happy. I know that makes me selfish and stupid.
I'm trying to be more optimistic and I'm trying to grow up and I'm trying to not let unhappiness hold me back like I have let it. It's affected my relationships and it's held me back from letting people into my life. But it's so hard to do when people can be so disappointing in this world.
The question I ponder is, are a few months of happiness and love worth it if in the end I might have to pay the consequence of dealing with a heartache and sadness that can open the door of depression? Or do I continue to close myself off from people who may offer me love and happiness and choose to live my life in fear of feeling anything because I'm too afraid to feel the one thing that's my kryptonite?
It's been said many a time that life is complicated. And I absolutely agree. I may fall down time and time again, but the beautiful thing I've learned about myself is that I don't give up on life and I know that it will take a thousand years of complete sadness to possibly stop my constant pursuit of happiness. I have hope that I will one day feel content, satisfied and completely happy with the life I've lived.
I will live my life through the pain and struggles as beautifully as I can.

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30 Writting Prompts Challenge

All I do is write.
That's what I do for a living and I love it, but for the past year my writing has been constrained to Associated Press journalistic writing, which is fine, but I need an outlet for all the thoughts, emotions and other crazy junk in my head. 
So I'm starting this blog to pursue my right to write what I want, whoever I want to write about and when I want. 
I decided I'd challenge myself by doing a 30-Prompt Writing Challenge (which I found on Pinterest).
If you decide to take the time to read some of my jots and rambles, thank you. 
Some of these prompts are going to have me being completely honest ... this should be fun!

Here's the prompt:
1. Weird things you do when you're alone
2. How have you changed in the past two years?
3. What kind of person attracts you
4. What you wear to bed
5. Five things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex
6. The person you like and why you like them
7. Your opinion on cheating on people
8. Something you're currently worrying about
9. Your last kiss
10. Your views on drugs and alcohol
11. Things you want to say to an ex
12. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is
13. A date you would love to go on
14. Something disgusting you do
15. The best thing to happen to you this week
16. Three things you are proud of about your personality
17. Things that make you scared
18. Disrespecting parents
19. Something that never fails to make you feel better
20. The last argument you had
21. Something you can't seem to get over
22. Ten things about you people don't really expect
23. Something you always think "what if ... " about
24. Things you want to say to five different people
25. Ten ways to win your heart
26. Your religion beliefs
27. Talk about your siblings
28. The month you were happiest this year and why
29. What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month
30. A picture of yourself

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