$20 Worth of Healing

For the past couple of months I’ve been struggling with many things, well let’s be honest the past year has been a real struggle.

But lately, I’ve been treading in waters that have been difficult for me to keep my head above. I’ve had to battle anxiety for a while and I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and had to be put on anti-depressants.

I know the reasoning behind what triggered my current state-of-being — suppressing emotions and ignoring the fact that I needed to take the time to feel the hurt that was squeezing at my heart and the time to heal. But instead, I distracted myself, which was easy because for a while there were people in my life that helped keep me occupied. But then I had to deal with losing those people as well, so it was a double-dose of heartbreak and anger.

It became too overwhelming and it got the best of me and I went down, fast.

I’ve been doing much better with the support of my family and the meds, of course, but some days, or more like weeks, are harder than others. Like last week, was a hard one. It was hard to wake up every morning and just do life. It was a struggle to push through each hour of the day. At the end of the week, I had no plans. I just planned to stay in Texas and do nothing really, which is depressing in itself, but I got a call from my aunt and she said she was coming into town.

I was glad she called and looked forward to her visit. It had been a while since we had spent some quality time together, just us two. We did some shopping and lots of talking and at some point I told her that I felt like I couldn’t help but feel that there is something wrong with who I was. That I couldn’t understand why the people that had been coming into my life seemed to just walk all over me, use me, crumble me up and toss me away. I told her that I just didn’t understand why my path kept crossing with these kinds of people and I was struggling with seeing my self-worth and thinking that I’m the reason people feel they can be so crappy to me.

She told me that there is nothing wrong with me that I have a big heart and I’m willing to see the good in anybody. I told her that I know in my heart and soul that it’s not me and that I am worthy of good things, but it’s so hard to believe because of everything that has happened and the kinds of people that keep falling on my lap.

On Sunday afternoon, we decided to go to church. We sat and listened to the readings and then to the priest's homily. Then he pulled out a $20 bill. And I knew exactly where he was going next with his speech.

When I was on REACH (the traveling youth ministry group I served on for two years) we would do a talk for high school kids with a $20 bill. I sometimes gave that talk. I’d pull out a $20 bill and ask them who would like to have the money? Hands would shoot up into the air. Then I’d crumble up the $20 bill and ask again, who wants it? And of course, hands would shoot up and kids would yell, I’ll take it. Then I’d drop the crumbled up $20 bill on the floor and smash it and grind it under my shoe. I’d pick it up and ask who still wants it? Hands would fly up in the air again. Then I’d sometimes unwad the crumbled up, stomped on $20 bill and tear 1/4 of it off and ask do you still want it? Hands would shoot up and kids would say, Yes! We can just tape that back together.

The priest on Sunday gave the same presentation with his $20 bill and as he spoke tears started rolling down my face. I needed to hear the $20 bill talk and be reminded that no matter how many times I feel crumbled up by people, or no matter how many times I feel people walk all over me, kick me to the ground and stomp on me, no matter how many times I feel so torn and broken that I still have worth, just like that crinkled up $20 bill.

I have so much worth that even through my battled-scarred soul and body there are people in this world that will love me, accept me, see the worth and value in me. That one day, no matter how worthless, unwanted and unlovable I feel, someone out there is going to love me for me. Want me for me. Accept me for me. Will want me to be a part of their life forever, because they will know I’m a diamond in the rough.

That one minute speech about a crumbled up $20 bill gave me a boost of strength and some of the healing my heart was searching for.

We must always remember we are worthy of love and entitled to live amazing lives. We are worth an infinity of $20 bills — we are priceless beings. And if someone can’t see that, then they don’t deserve any of our precious time or amazing love.

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PROMPT 23: Something I always think "what if ..." about

What if love came easy to me?
What if I had the story book love, the kind where everything falls into place like it seems to happen for other people — boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy doesn't question feelings about girl, they get engaged, wed, start a family?
What if I didn't go through the numerous heartaches I've been through ... my high school crush finally giving me the time of day but only to have him tell me all he wanted was to sleep with me or my first love leaving me for another girl he met at his university and marrying her a year later.
Then the guy I dated for four months who got ridiculously drunk the first time he met my family because he was jealous of my best guy friend, or the guy most of you have read about, who was probably the worst,  that lied to me for an entire year and basically stole my family's truck.
And most recently, the guy who was seven years older than me and I thought was mature and the breath of fresh air I needed after my last toxic boyfriend, tells me that I'm his girlfriend and tells me, "I wouldn't let you meet my kids if this wasn't serious." Then a week later on his birthday decides to ghost me — not talk to me any more, not answer my calls or return texts because it's so much easier to be a coward than man up and end things with me after almost three months of dating.
What if I never get it right? What if my heart continues to fall for the wrong guys? What if I can't ever trust myself, my mind, my instincts? What if I settle, because I've forgotten how to be happy with just myself? What if those are the kind of guys I deserve?
What if I'm the problem? What if I can't figure out what to change about myself to stop having men treat me the way they have been and do? What if I'm not enough? What if it's not meant to happen for me?
What if?
Those what ifs are the ones that haunt me late into the night. I know they seem silly, but it's a struggle for me.

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Ten things about me you don't really expect (PROMPT 22)

Here's 10 things you might not expect about me ...
(These are kind of dumb, I didn't know what to write ... I'm pretty simple and easy to figure out ... well at least that's what I assume).

1. I crochet, it's my stress releaver.
2. I can be OCD about certain things ... like my closet, it's basically color-coordinated.
3. Half of the reason I decided to pursue a career as a reporter was to break my social awkwardness ... I'm a huge introvert and I'm really bad at talking with people, but I like listening to what people have to say.
4. I'm super short-sighted. Everything's a complete blur without my contacts or glasses ... unless it's inches away from my face. (Let's just say I'm probably a better drunk driver compared to when I drive without my glasses or contacts).
5. I really like Elvis Presley. Graceland is on my bucket list.
6. I can be really mean. Like, seriously asshole-status.
7. My favorite flavor combinations are movie-theater popcorn, peanut M&M's and super-carbonated Mr. Pibb soda.
8. I'd choose beer or a shot of tequila over a cocktail, anytime ... unless the margaritas are legit.
9. I've never asked a guy out on a date ... I'm not that gutsy or confident, I guess.
10. I still get homesick ... I like when my family is all together.

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A Hard Lesson Learned (Part 4): AFTERMATH

Before we left Oklahoma, I looked up his ex-wife’s number and called her. I was still concerned about his son and where he was at. I needed to make sure the little boy was okay.

The woman answered and I told her who I was, that I used to date her ex-husband and that he had recently told me that their son was very sick and in the hospital and I wanted to make sure he was okay. She told me that her son does not know that he is his father. That he has never visited and is not allowed to see their son.

My mouth dropped.

I told her everything that had happened, and she told me that he had abandoned them last year, he took her money and her car and took off to Texas. She said she had to hire a private detective so she could find him and file for a divorce. We talked for a little while longer and I told her that I was glad her son was okay. I told her that if he ever tried to fight her in court for their son that I would testify against him and tell the judge what an unstable, liar he is.

He had not seen his son since the first year of his life, the little boy is three. I asked her if he had ever visited the little boy in Arizona and she said never. I asked if the little boy got sick at some point in January and she said no.

So who knows where he went when he told me those few times that he was going to Arizona. Did he just stay in Lubbock and not see me for two or three days and call me every night and pretend he was visiting with his son? I don’t know.

She told me that the whole fighting for custody court case wasn’t true ... he was not a part of his son's life.

After I spoke with her, I was shocked. This guy had not only lied to me since May, but basically lied to me since the beginning of our relationship. Almost an entire year full of complete lies and dishonesty.

When we got on the road I called his mom ... I just wanted to ask her about him and if this was typical of him to do. She hadn’t talked to him in months and she had no idea that he was in Oklahoma.

She knew that we had broken up in May because she saw it on Facebook. When I told her everything that happened she just started to cry, and my heart went out to her. I told her I didn’t mean to call her and ruin her day or bring her bad news, I just wanted to know if she knew what was going on.

She’s a very nice lady and apologized for all that happened and told me that she thought I was good for him.

She wished me well in my life and said she thought I was a “bright, beautiful young woman that will find a good man.”

I told her that I will continue to pray for him and that I wish no bad upon him and that I hope he does find happiness. But that she needed to know I was glad he was out of my life and disappointed in what he put me and my family through.

We got back to Lubbock that Thursday evening and it was so surreal. I couldn’t make my head believe that what we just went through actually happened. I felt like I had watched one of those insane Lifetime movies, but in reality my life, for those 72 hours, was a Lifetime movie.

And you know what, I went out that Thursday night with a new guy I recently met. I told myself that as bad as that situation was and as crazy as it got that I was not going to let him ruin love for me. I can’t live my life in complete fear that all men are going to lie to me, the way he did. I can’t deny myself happiness from someone else, or hold his actions against another guy that comes into my life because of what he did.

I do admit that I am terrified that something like that can happen again, but I’m trying to stay positive and have faith that God knows why I ended up on the path that I did and why I meet the people that I do. I have faith that there is an amazing man out there for me ... and some idiot is not going to ruin that for me.

All I know is that he messed with the wrong girl and the wrong family.

And I had to write this out because it’s therapeutic for me. And maybe this just might be a warning for others to remember to be careful who you trust, and remember you can always count on the ones you love to help you out when things get extremely tough.

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A Hard Lesson Learned (Part 3): MCALESTER

So his son was in the hospital and had already had two surgeries to remove the extra bones that were growing on his ribs. There was little communication between me and him. And my life kept going,  I was finally moving on. But I had to keep communicating with him because he had my dad’s truck.

At some point during the summer he told me he had bought the new engine for his car and was going to bring it to New Mexico, but that never happened. And at another point in the summer he called and asked me if I would be willing to move to Oklahoma with him, he got offered a job there, and that was completely out of the question. So with knowing he was considering not coming back to Lubbock I knew I needed to start pushing him out of my life. But I also knew that I needed to get that truck back.

About a week and a half ago, I text him and asked about his son and he told me that the little boy was going into another surgery. I thought it was strange and asked him if it was the same procedure the doctors had already done and he said yes. I told him that at that point they really needed to figure out what was wrong with his kid, because a little child’s body can’t handle so many surgeries. 

So since July 28 up until Aug. 11 his son had three surgeries ... A little much, right?

Well, on Monday, Aug. 15 we had enough. My mom called me while I was at work and asked if I knew the hospital where his son was at in Austin. I gave her the name, St. David’s, and she said she was going to call him at the hospital to talk about getting the truck back.

She said, “Denise. It’s been way too long and we need to get that truck back, even if it means us going and picking it up.” 

I completely agreed. He wasn’t listening to me anymore and it seemed like he had no intentions of coming back our way anytime soon. Later on that day, my mom called me and told me that the St. David’s hospital did not and had never had a patient under his son's name. My heart sank and I got that gross nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. So I really didn’t know what to tell her. I just started calling his phone and texting him asking him to give me a call.

Later on that afternoon, my mom called again and told me that she spoke with his employers in Texas and they told her that he hadn’t worked for them since February! 

That means that for the past six months he told me he was working, but evidently was not. And then I thought to myself, 'Well then where the hell is he because he is not doing a training for them then.' Then we found out from the dealership that sold him his car in Lubbock that he hadn’t made a single payment since he bought the car in April.

My world was completely falling apart and my mind could not make sense of any of this information we were learning about this person. A person that I fell in love with. A person I spent almost an entire year with. A person my family accepted and opened their home to. 

My mom and I talked and we came to the conclusion that something was terribly wrong. We knew he was not in Austin and that he had been lying to us. But we had to figure out where he was without him finding out, because if he did he’d come up with some greater lie. I told her that I would keep blowing up his phone until he answered, which I knew wouldn’t be until after 6 p.m. because that’s when he’d usually text me. But we agreed we would not let him know about anything that we found out. I told her I would ask again about his son and what hospital he was in, but keep it casual, normal.

He finally called me back at around 6 p.m. and he told me that he was at St. David’s in Austin and gave me an address, which was an address for Texas State University in San Marcos. I told him I was confused because I thought the hospital was in Austin and he said, “Sorry, I’m tired. That’s where I was staying at.” Then he gave me the address to St. David's. 

I told him that we needed the truck back, and that I was sorry to put him in a situation where he’d have to get a rental (which I truly wasn’t sorry, because I knew he was lying) and that my mom and I were planning on traveling to Austin to pick it up the next day. He said “Okay.”

So I got off the phone with him, called my mom and told her what he said. He ended up giving her a call because she called his cell phone. She told him that she had called the hospital, but that they didn’t have his son listed as a patient. He told her that his son went by his ex-wife’s last name. So after my mom got off the phone with him she called the hospitals again and nothing. No one knew of his son at all, even with the other last name.

We knew he was lying and we knew he wasn’t in Austin so we were not about to drive all the way there for nothing. 

But where was he? And why the hell was he lying to us?

The next day, which was Tuesday, Aug. 16 I was pissed. So I started going into investigative-reporter mode trying to figure out where he was. I went on his Facebook page and noticed that all his new friends were from the same place — McAlester, Okla. That was suspicious. And then I noticed he liked a page called, “Jobs in McAlester.” So I knew that this idiot was in Oklahoma, but how could I prove it?

Well, I remembered that he had given me his Facebook password at one point in a text. I figured I could hack into his Facebook page and see his location history, because he was smart and never checked into any places. While I was going through my texts I stumbled upon an old selfie he sent me back in July. He was wearing his work uniform. He’s a correctional officer. I noticed that the badge on his shirt was not a Texas Department of Corrections badge. So I googled Oklahoma’s Department of Corrections badge and it was a match.

I was fuming! So I decided to call the hospital in McAlester and ask for his son. They didn’t have him listed. After that I looked up the number to the Oklahoma Department of Corrections and gave them a ring. I asked if they could verify an employment for one of their officers for me and the lady that answered said yes. I gave her his name and she said he was an employee. I asked how long, she said since May 2015. I asked in McAlester and she said yes. 

The jackass was caught.

I called my mom and told her, and we decided that her, my brother and myself would take off to McAlester on Wednesday, Aug. 17 and give the SOB the surprise of his life. 

He text me all Tuesday night and I kept the conversation as normal as possible. We got up early Wednesday morning and made the seven hour drive to Oklahoma. The whole way we were pissed. We got to McAlester around 4 p.m. and drove straight to the Oklahoma State Penitentiary, hoping that we would catch him when he’d get off work. 

We drove around and didn’t see our truck, but I told my mom and brother that he may car pool so he might be there, but not the truck. After a while we decided to call the penitentiary and ask if he was working. The lady that answered told us everything we needed to know. She said he is in the correctional officer's academy, it was his day off and that he’d be in the next day (Thursday, Aug. 18) at 8 a.m. and usually went home around 3 or 4 p.m.

Once we found that out, my head felt like it was about to explode. It became a fact at that moment to me that he had been lying for months about being in San Marcos. That he was okay with all the crying phone calls from me. That he was probably lying about his son, his own flesh and blood, being sick in a hospital. I just couldn’t take all the anger I was feeling.

We ended up stopping by the Sheriff’s Department and asked if they could possibly help us — maybe get an address from his work so we could find him that night. The deputy said there wasn’t much they could do and that we’d have to go talk to a judge to see if he’d write us a warrant for the Sheriff's to get involved. We asked the deputy if we found our truck if we could take it. He said yes, since it was our property.

We went to grab some food. And I had a fury attack, and got into an argument with my mom and brother. We were talking about what our plan would be if we found him and they told me that I needed to stay in the truck while they dealt with him. My anger got the best of me at the moment, and I understand why they told me that because they weren’t sure how he'd react or if I’d end up causing a scene. But at that point I needed that douche to see me. To know that I had caught him in his lies. To know that I knew everything he had said was complete bullshit.

Once we left the restaurant we drove to as many apartment complexes we could find to see if we could spot our truck, but we had no luck. We checked into a hotel room and agreed that we’d drive out to the penitentiary at 7 a.m. and see if we saw the truck, or him.

That evening he texted me. I asked for his son and he told me he was doing better. I told him he must be so tired of being at a hospital, and so bored. And he said yes. Then I casually asked him about why all of his new friends on Facebook were from Oklahoma, in which he replied “just random, I guess.” I kept casually bringing up Oklahoma during that text and asked him if he was still considering taking that job he was offered and he said maybe. I asked him if he had ever been to Oklahoma and he said yes, when he was training for the army. 

We text for a while and he called me babe and asked me to continue to be patient — that he’d be back soon. He tried to make me feel bad for “giving up on us” for “not caring anymore.” Every text I got from him was a jab at my heart. It took every ounce of strength in me to keep my cool and not call him out. I knew he didn’t have a clue that I had caught him in all his lying. I knew he had no idea that we were in the same town. So I had to stay cool.

At one point during the night, I remembered that every time he would call me I could hear a train in the background. A super loud train. So I told my mom and we decided to check out apartments that were located near the train tracks to see if we could find the truck. I think at that point we were so restless that we just needed to do something. So we drove and drove, but found nothing.

When 6:30 a.m. came around we got up, got dressed and headed out to the penitentiary. We parked near the entrance and basically performed a stakeout. We looked out for our truck, but we also made sure we paid attention to every person in every car that was driving in. During this time, he was texting me. 

I text him “Mornin’ hope you have a wonderful day.” He text back “U too babe” I asked for his son and he told me he was asleep and I asked why he was up so early and he said he had just woke up.  I told him it was a miracle he was texting me ... then my brother and my mom yelled there he is!

He was in a car with a co-worker, I assume, and so we followed him. Pulled up right behind them. I stayed in the truck as my mom and brother got off. I rolled down the window and I heard my mom cuss him out asking for the truck. I wish I could of seen his face when he saw my mom and brother, but they said he looked like he was seeing someone that had come back from the dead. 

I ended up getting off the truck when I saw him get out of the car ... I needed him to see me, to know that I knew about all his lies. My mom yelled at him and asked where his son was at,  and the jackass still had the nerve to lie, even after his jig was up, and said the little boy was in Austin.

After that he handed my mom our truck keys and told her that it was at his apartment. She cussed him out some more, called him a F***** liar and told him that he needed to take us to get it. Luckily, his buddy told him he’d drive him back to their place, because if not the jerk was going to have to ride with us. In which my mom turned and told me “This Mother F is going to have to ride with us, Denise.”

At that point I went up to him and said, “Is there anything that you’d like to say to me, to my face?" 

The coward just shook his head.

We got back in our truck and followed them, right on their ass, back to their place. We saw our truck.

When we got out of our truck I guess he told his buddy let’s get out of here, because they started backing up in the car. But I wasn’t about to let him leave, scot-free. I went to the passenger side window and he rolled it down. 

I told him, as calmly as I could, “Don’t you ever talk to me again. Don’t you ever look at me again. I don’t exist to you. And you don’t exist to me. If you have anything to say to me, this is your last chance.” 

He said, “I’ll call you.”

I yelled at him, “No, you will not!” And I asked him if he even wanted to at least apologize.

The last thing he said to me was, “I have nothing to say.”

I walked away.

My mother had a few choice words to say to him, in which we told her, after-the-matter, that she became Madea!

The one thing I will never forget though, is my little brother, my knight in shinning armor, step up to that passenger side window and say, “If you ever go back to Lubbock, Texas I will kill you. I want to kill you now, but if you ever go looking for my sister I will kill you.”

If I were that idiotic boy I would be pissing my pants, because my brother’s look could kill, and the way he said those words was very ‘Liam Neeson,’ you know the serious, “I will find you and kill you” tone.

After that he drove away. And I was left in disbelief that this had all happened. That we were in effin’ Oklahoma because this psychopath lied to me, to us all, and we believed him. 

I broke down, I couldn’t help but cry because I just couldn’t understand how someone could do that. How someone could sit there and lie to me and still tell me they cared for me, love me. And have the audacity to make me feel bad for breaking his heart, because I broke up with him.

A hug from my brother and my mom rejuvenated my soul and I told them, “Please get me out of Oklahoma.”

We fueled up and took off. Within an hour and a half we crossed the state line.

I had never been happier to be back in Texas.

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A Hard Lesson Learned (Part 2): SAN MARCOS

After California, things didn’t get any better between us. I knew that I was never going to be able to trust this guy, but I felt bad for him. While we were together he told me that he didn’t have a good relationship with his parents. He basically told me he had no one in the world. So I felt bad, and I told him I'd try and see if we could fix things.

I respected him because he seemed to be a good dad. He had visited his son a couple of times during the year that we were together ... one time he made a trip to Arizona after he got a phone call from his ex-wife saying his son was sick in the hospital. When we got back from California, he had made plans to go pick up his son so that he could spend the summer with him in Texas. His ex-wife had asked him if he’d take the little boy for a while because she was about to have another baby. He said yes, and I was excited to meet him.

When he went to Arizona, which was in May sometime. He called me and told me that when he got there that his ex-wife freaked out on him, was not going to allow him to take his son to Texas and that all she wanted to talk about was getting back together. Of course, I was mad because who would do that? Who would make someone drive all that way to be a complete asshole like that? So he came back to Lubbock and called a lawyer and said he was going to fight her for more custody for his son.

Around that time in May, he was also told by his bosses that he would have go to an eight-week training in San Marcos, which it started at the end of that month. I told him to go and that we’d try and see if we could fix everything and maybe make our broken relationship work ... And it was the space that I needed from him.

A week after he left to San Marcos, he came back to visit me in New Mexico, my family was having an event going on. On his drive from San Marcos to New Mexico he hit an animal on the road and completely totaled his car, which he had recently purchased in Lubbock.

It was like one thing after another with this guy, I used to call him ‘Bad News Bear.’ Anything and everything seemed to happen to him.

So we ended up having to tow his car back to town and took it to a mechanic, who told us that the car’s motor was destroyed and it needed a new one. After learning about all the mess with the car we had to try and figure out how he was going to get back to San Marcos for his training. My mom and dad were kind enough to loan him their diesel truck.

But before he left to San Marcos, I officially ended things with him. I told him that I couldn’t handle all the drama and the crazy things that kept happening to him. I couldn’t deal with his dishonesty and him not being reliable. So we broke up. And he left in my dad’s truck.

We continued to talk everyday while he was in San Marcos training and we talked about working on things and fixing things, but I knew that if anything was ever going to get fixed it’d have to wait until he came back to Lubbock. And I knew that I was going to have to see some drastic changes from him before I even considered a relationship with him again.

Sometime in June, he told me that he was going to Arizona for a court date to fight for more custody for his son. I told him to keep me updated and he did. He called me and said that his ex-wife freaked out in the courtroom and that a drug test was performed on her and it came back positive. The judge gave him full-custody of his son for six months. It was a win for him. But the problem was he was in the training in San Marcos.

So he told me he was going to call his parents who lived in Georgia and ask if they would take care of his son while he did his training. I thought that was a ludicrous idea, because he told me his parents had never met his son and I asked him how he could go leave his son with complete strangers? So I suggested he ask his bosses if it would be too big of a deal for his son to stay with him in the facilities they were providing while he did his training. He asked and they agreed. He found a daycare for his son and all was well.

For those weeks he was in San Marcos we talked, and there were a couple of times he was supposed to come visit me like for my birthday in June, but the truck ended up breaking down on him and he couldn’t make it. Things started to become more difficult with us because all we would do is argue nonstop. It was miserable.

July finally rolled around and I knew his training was supposed to wrap up on the 15th or 18th. But he called me and told me they were going to have to do extra weeks of training. I was disappointed, but understood. So after those weeks of training finished he told me he was coming back to Lubbock. That was around the end of July.

The night before he was supposed to come home, I got a call from him and he told me that he had to take his son to the hospital because he had bone spurs. I felt so bad for him and his son. They had no one in that area that they knew and I longed to be there just to be supportive. He said that his son got put in a hospital in Austin, called St. Davids.

The first week his son was in the hospital we got into a huge fight because he would refuse to answer my phone calls or respond to my texts. I was completely worried for him and his son and all I wanted was to check up on them and know how things were going. He told me that I was stressing him out by calling and being upset that he wasn’t responding and he told me that he wished I’d handle the situation better and just be there for him.

After a long fight and tears, I told him that I would no longer call or text him because I didn’t want to add more stress to his life, and I didn't want to continue feeling hurt and made felt like he didn't want to talk to me. I told him that he could call or text me updates on his son when, and if, he wanted to.

I didn’t call or text him, and it was torture because he basically stopped talking to me. I would get a text everyday around 6 p.m., like clock-work, that would say ‘Hey.’ I’d ask about his son and he’d tell me he was in pain or doing better and I’d ask how he was and he’d say good. And that would be our conversation. For weeks that’s all it was.

So I really started to move on. I told myself I had to let him go, that I could no longer wait for him to come back and try to make things work out. But once I started moving on, he caught on and told me I was breaking his heart. That he couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be patient with him and with his situation.

To me this was a person that had made it very clear that they didn’t need me in their life. They didn’t need my support or anything so what was I doing hanging around, waiting? And what was I waiting for? So we fought about why I didn’t want to try and work things out and it was the same conversations we had over and over — him begging me not to give up and to give him another chance. He was already on his fourth or fifth chance with me. And at the point I’d hit the point of no return. I was done.

The problem was he still had my dad’s truck.

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A Hard Lesson Learned (Part 1): LUBBOCK

I went through something that I never thought could ever happen. Especially, to me. And I’m writing about it, because that’s how I get things out of my mind. I’m also writing about it because I feel people should hear my story and maybe learn from my experience and my mistakes.

This story is about a relationship that I recently ended, which turned into a nightmare, but could have ended up being worst. But I’m lucky, and I am blessed, to have an amazing family that supports me and stands by my side no matter what life throws my way.

And let’s just say life threw me a hell of a curve ball.

So I’ll start from the beginning and sort of sum up what has happened in the past year. I moved to Lubbock in November 2014, I didn’t know anybody other than my brother and I was trying desperately to get over an old boyfriend. I started doing the online dating thing and started meeting guys. At first none of the guys I met were serious, but I made friends with some and others got the boot.

In June 2015, I met a guy on a dating site that seemed super nice, and we seemed to have a lot in common. We started chatting through the dating ap, and the day before my birthday (June 23) we finally met in person.

He was quiet and shy but seemed nice, I was nervous and so was he, but what do you expect? He told me he had a two-year-old son, was recently divorced and had just moved to Lubbock around the same time I did. That first night he told me that he would drive to-and-from Tucson, Ariz. to see his son, and that sometimes he would bring his son back with him to Texas. I remember thinking to myself, “what a dedicated dad.”

We continued to hang out with each other and started dating later on. We then ended up doing the relationship thing in November 2015 ... I made him wait on the whole “I’m your girlfriend and you’re my boyfriend thing” I remember him asking me to be his girlfriend just two weeks after meeting me for the first time.

So I had a boyfriend and it was nice. I had someone to hang out with, do stuff with and my family seemed to like him. He was nice, never a jerk or ‘asshole-ish,’ and things had been good for the most part.

But there was an incident in October 2015. We had planned a trip with my parents to go to Dallas for a football game and hit up Six Flags. So I told him that I would pay for the football game tickets if he would pay for the Six Flags tickets, my parents were nice enough to take care of the hotel room. He told me yes and said he wanted to buy us season passes to Six Flags, because they were having a good deal and we’d make an effort to visit Dallas more often if we bought them. I had no problem with that so he told me that he purchased them.

When we got to Dallas, and right before we were about to head out to Six Flags, he told me that he hadn’t bought the tickets, but that he would buy them at that moment. His credit card was denied so I ended up having to pay for the Six Flags tickets, along with the football tickets I had already bought and it turned out that he had no money at all with him so now the whole cost of the trip fell on my shoulders. I was pissed! But he apologized and he ended up paying me back when we got back to Lubbock.

For Christmas, he came home with me to spend the holidays with my family. When we got to my parents house everyone was busy cooking and baking so I started to help. We needed a small carton of milk so I asked him if he could run to the store for me and buy some, well it turned out he did not even have $1.50 on him to buy a small carton of milk ... he had nothing. So of course, I was very disappointed but didn’t make a big deal because it was Christmas Eve. But I thought to myself, “How does this guy go on trips with no money? How am I supposed to rely on him? What if we had an emergency? He wouldn’t be able to help.” But I let go, after I had given him a piece of my mind.

Before Christmas, we found out that the Texas Tech Football team had made it to a Bowl Game in Houston against the LSU Tigers (my favorite team) and tickets were super cheap. So I told him that I was going to take my brother, as a Christmas gift, and I asked him if he wanted to go. I told him I knew that money would be tight since it was right after Christmas, but that it would be a quick trip — go to the game and come back. He said yes, let’s go. So again I told him I would buy the tickets for the game if he could take care of the hotel room in Houston for one night. He told me yes, and that he took care of it.

When we end up in Houston, he didn’t pay the hotel room so I ended up having to pay for it, and luckily they still had rooms available. I was infuriated, because this was already the second time he had done that to me, and it’s one thing to do it to me, but another to do it to my brother. What was I supposed to tell my brother, “Sorry, I guess we’re gonna have to sleep in the truck.” Hell no!

After the Houston thing, he payed me back and we made things work, but my faith and trust in him was completely broken.

February came around, and those of you who know me well know I hate Valentine’s Day. But since I had a boyfriend for the first time during that holiday I got a little excited for it, especially after he told me what big plans he had for that day and how fun it would be. The only thing I told him that I wanted was for him to take me to see the Little Mermaid Musical ... I told him that I would be completely content if we just did that. He said yes, but said we’re going to do dinner and all this other romantic nonsense he kept promising. Well on the day before Valentine’s Day my mom and aunt decide to join us for the Little Mermaid show. My aunt bought all of our tickets, but I told her that he would pay her back since technically it was my Valentine’s Day gift. She said okay. But when he showed up to go to the show he didn’t have the money and told me he would get it. He never paid my aunt so I paid her before she left town. He did pay me back later but it sucked that he just never seemed to have anything together.

He did nothing for me on Valentine’s Day ... no dinner that he promised, no romantic gestures... nothing. I had bought him some chocolates and a framed picture of us from the Dallas football game and I gave it to him, after I did he told me he would be back ... I knew he was going to run to the  store and try to find something to buy me. At that point I told him that I didn’t want anything he was going to go try to buy ... I didn’t want to feel like an after-thought. He later told me that his ex-wife stole his money from his bank account and that’s why he couldn’t do anything for me on Valentine’s Day.

Jumping forward to April, one of my friends had a wedding planned in California, and I was going to do everything in my power to go. After getting burned by him on trips I was hesitant to invite him but I did anyway. I mean who wants to go to a wedding alone, especially when you have a significant other? So I ended up inviting him and I let him know about it months in advance so we could save money, since it was going to be a longer trip and a more costly trip.

We bought our plane tickets and booked one of the hotel rooms that we were going to stay in. I bought us tickets to visit Universal Studios in L.A. and he agreed he’d pay for our car rental. Everything seemed like it was going well, I was saving money and so was he. Our flight was leaving from Dallas, so we planned to make the five hour drive early in the morning the day we left. But the night before our big California trip, he called me and told me that he had to go into work and was going to work all night. I told him that he had to be back in Lubbock by 8 a.m. because that’s when we were getting on the road — 10 a.m. was the latest we could leave to be able to catch our 4 p.m. flight.

So I woke up at 6 a.m. texted him and called him and he told me he was on his way back to Lubbock. I got in the shower, got ready and packed the last few things I needed. By the time I was ready it was about 7 to 7:30 a.m. and he still hadn’t showed up. So I called him ... no answer. I texted him ... and he tells me he just got to his apartment. 8:30 a.m. he is still not there. I’m calling him and calling him ... no answer. His texts say I’m on my way. 9:30 a.m. still not there, and at this point I am beyond pissed and freaking out because we have to get on the road to Dallas to make the flight. I’m calling, and calling and calling and he finally answers ... I’m in tears at this point because I am so mad. He says I’m about to be there and I ask him what the hell is going on?

He shows up and I’m waiting in the parking lot. He gets out and tells me that his apartment got robbed and all his money for our California trip was stolen. I completely lose it. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. I didn’t know what to do other than get on the road, because I knew that I was not going to miss this wedding.

So I told him you need to tell me if you’re staying or you’re going because I’m leaving. He went ... With not a single cent to his name. He went ... Knowing that all of our trips expenses would have to be taken care of by me. He went ... Knowing that I would barely have enough money to get us through that trip and that I would have to pay for the car rental now and the other hotel we were going to stay, all of our meals, gas ... everything. And he still chose to go.

We got on the road, and I broke up with him probably 20 miles after we got out of Lubbock. I told him that we were done, that he was the most unreliable person I had ever met and that I couldn’t do it anymore. We got to Dallas at 3:30 p.m. the security check-in took us 45 minutes. The only reason we made our flight was because it was delayed. When we boarded that plane all I could do was cry. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. We made it to L.A. and at that point I just had to make the best out of the trip. That trip was extremely stressful and the only reason I got through it was because of my mom and dad. My mom called one of our hotels and paid for it and she wired me some extra money. I will be eternally grateful for that, because my family was struggling financially at the time due to the oil industry doing so poorly. But God-willingly, I got through that trip and was able to see my friend get married.

When we got back to Lubbock, after California, we had done a lot of talking during the trip about what would happen. He apologized and told me he would pay me back for his half of the trip. He begged me to not break up with him. So I told him, yes, he would have to pay me back, because I had bills to pay and I told him that I needed a break from him, but at that point I knew that I couldn’t be with him anymore.

I had completely lost all my trust in him ... how could I stay with someone that I couldn’t count on?

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PROMPT 21: Something I Can't Seem To Get Over.

Well this one is a tough one to write.

But not because there is something lingering in my life that I just can't get over. It's because in the past year or so I've surprisingly been able to let things go in a timely fashion and just keep truckin' on.

I used to hold onto things so tightly ... Like a couple of years ago I made the mistake of not completely letting go of a relationship and I ended up spending months and months in misery not being able to get over him and heal.

But as I've gotten a bit older, I've learned that life keeps going and it's not going to stop just because you feel like you can't deal with it.

Life is too short to put too much energy in not getting over something or someone. You waste so much time and there is so many better things you could be doing with that "getting over it" time.

So I say Live, Be Happy, Surround Yourself with Good Things and Quality People so that you don't have to get over anything.

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The Last Argument I had (Prompt 20)

It was on the day of love, with someone I love.
It really sucked. Mainly because I don’t even like Valentine’s Day and my hopes were raised this year with promises of a fun day. And it just didn’t happen at all.
I was more disappointed that I built up these high expectations and they weren’t meet at all.
I’ve never had anyone to celebrate the holiday with and so I figured that this year since I did I would get to experience what everybody that is in a relationship each year experiences.
He said he had a plan, but that it didn’t go his way.
It was awkward because I gave him the valentine gift I was excited to give to him and the “Oh Shit” look on his face is one I probably will never forget.
He thanked me and then told me that he would be right back, and I knew that he was going to go to some store and try to scramble some last minute Valentine’s Day gift. And I let that hurt my feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t upset because I didn’t get a gift, I was upset because I felt like I was an after-thought — that I wasn’t someone special enough to take the time and consideration to do a little something for.
So I told him that I didn’t want anything that he was going to get.
We sat in my living room for an hour, he watched TV and I read a book.
And then we started arguing.
He said that his plan was ruined because my family was in town in the morning and that he was going to show up with flowers.
I told him I was sorry my family was there, but that I didn’t understand why they were a problem since they left early in the afternoon, leaving plenty of time for the two of us to celebrate the holiday.
He apologized and said he was an idiot and wanted to make up for it.
I didn’t let him because I felt like anything he did was out of guilt.
I cried. He cried.
And I went to bed feeling like I’m not the kind of girl that deserves the all that silly romanticism ... Maybe that isn’t in my cards, because no one has ever shown me that or done anything like that for me.
I was even more mad at myself for getting wrapped up in the excitement of Valentine’s Day all for nothing. I was looking forward to finally having someone to spend it with, especially someone that for weeks kept talking about how much fun it was going to be.
I have to admit that Valentine’s Day is a lot easier when I was single not expecting anything from anyone.
I know that I’ll get over it and that we’ll move on.
But I don’t know if I was in the wrong for getting so upset and feeling so disappointed.

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