Motherhood can be a 7-letter word ... A.N.X.I.E.T.Y.

It's about 12:40 a.m. and I can't sleep. And I just need to write this out and vent ... 

Honestly, having a good night's rest has become a seldom occurrence the past several months. Of course, it's a given with an infant in my home, I'm not complaining, I've been blessed on how such a great baby he has been -- no colic, not whiny, good sleeper (unless he's feeling sick),  but tonight I know I am up because of my anxiety. 

I've had my struggles with anxiety in the past, but as soon as I became a mom, to my own flesh-and-blood, my anxiety has me almost tipping over into an abyss of worry. I'm sure every singe mom out there understands what I mean. The moment those tiny little humans come out of us the unceasing worry about them begins. It's the craziest thing ever! Then add a global pandemic on top of that -- forget about it.

For the past couple of days I've been having mini-anxiety attacks, I guess you could say, where my brain tries to jump into a rabbit hole of thinking about anything and everything that can go wrong with raising Ayden, "am I a good enough mom? Am I talking to him enough, feeding him enough, feeding him the right foods, teaching him new things enough? Does he know I love him? What if he gets hurt? What if he gets sick? What if I lose him?" It goes on and on, and I find myself mentally hanging on to the edge of that rabbit hole because if I let go it would be too much, mentally. 

I think I'm feeling this way because Ayden is almost a year old and I'm having a hard time with how quickly this year has gone by. I don't know. All I do know is I am trying my best to be a good mom, not only to Ayden but my two stepchildren -- and I hope my version of “my best” is enough. Sometimes I find myself dumbfounded on how I have no idea what I am doing in raising an infant, a preteen and a teenager. I have to shrug, chuckle and just make it up as I go. 

I know it may become more difficult but I will try my darndest to not fall into the depths of anxiety and revel in the happy, wonderful and incredible moments motherhood has in store for me. Even with all of this anxiety this is the happiest I've ever been in my life. I love being someone's mom. I love the way that baby boy smiles at me when he sees me and that I can be his comfort and shelter of love.

As long as there is love, anxiety can suck it!

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Welcome to the Planet ... Welcome to Existence ... (Ayden's Great Escape from the Womb)!

After 9 months and 2 weeks my life was changed within minutes.

On Tuesday June 30, 2020 at 2:26 p.m. I became the Momma of a healthy 8 lbs 5 oz baby boy. His name is Ayden Clement Marta and he's the best thing I've ever done and have ever had in my life. Of course there's always a great story to tell in this adventure I call life, and here is his.

I went in for my 38 week doctor's appointment on June 30 at 9 a.m. I wasn't feeling well that morning, in fact, I had been feeling extremely lousy the day before as well. I was nauseous and had radiating back pain from the top to bottom. I wasn't able to sleep anymore and I was hardly able to walk due to some harsh pelvic pain. I woke up with my head in the toilet that Tuesday morning before my doctor's appointment and ended up throwing my hair up in a bun and driving myself to the doctor's office five minutes before my appointment. The nurse came out to call me back and checked my vitals. My blood pressure was 161/103 and my nurse looked at me concerned and said, "Hun, I think you may be having this baby before next Tuesday!" July 7th was the day the doctor had planned my c-section so when my nurse told me this I thought to myself, "okay, maybe she'll want to deliver him tomorrow or in the next couple of days."

I went to the exam room and my doctor walked in and said, "Well, your blood pressure is as impressive as your baby's weight!" (At the time Ayden was weighing in at 10 lbs 8 oz in my womb). I said, "are we thinking these are signs of preeclampsia?" My doctor replied, "I'm afraid so.
How do you feel about having a baby today?" I can only imagine what my face looked like after she said that. All I could sputter out was, "um, today?" She said, "yes, I highly recommend we deliver him today. I do not want to wait and put him at risk of getting ill and put you at more risk." I said, "okay, lets do this." After that she instructed me to go home and get what I needed and get back to the hospital as quickly as possible.

As left the hospital I called Luis and told him, "Babe, we are having a baby today!" He responded, "What! Do I need to get home?" I said, "Yes, as soon as you can!" After I hung up with Luis I called my mom, who went into freak-out mode with me. She asked, "What do you want us to do?" This is where my heart broke a little because I then remembered my birth to Ayden wasn't going to be a normal one. My family wasn't going to be able to come to the hospital and wait to meet him or see me after my c-section. They were going to have to wait a couple of days after he was born to be able to meet him because of COVID-19. I told my mom, "There's nothing I need for you guys to do. We will keep you updated throughout the entire process." She said, "Okay, I will call your dad, Damian and the rest of the family."

I got home and all I could think about was what a mess the house was because I didn't get the chance to pick up the day before because I was feeling so sick. I needed to take a shower and pack up the last minute stuff for the hospital but all I wanted to get done was to wash the pile of dishes in my kitchen sink. I knew if I left them dirty I was going to stress about that while I was in the hospital. (I know, I'm a nut!) A few minutes after I got home Luis walked in and one of the first things I told him was, "babe, could you do me a favor and get these dishes washed while I take a shower?" He gave me an odd look and I said "I'll stress about them not being washed if it doesn't get done before we go to the hospital." He laughed and said, "okay, babe." So Luis washed the dishes, I got showered, we loaded up our suitcase and headed to the hospital.

We got to the Children's Hospital around noon and right when we walked in it was like a whirlwind of events that left me spinning and a baby in my arms in the end. We checked in and the nurses started wiring me up with an IV and monitors. I wasn't too sure what time my doctor was planning on performing my c-section so I asked the nurses and they told me, "we have to do a COVID-19 test on you and we get the results back, in about an hour, we will be ready to go." They shoved two long swab sticks way up my nose (which is not a pleasant feeling at all and will automatically make you cry), sent them off to be tested and an hour later the results came back negative.

I facetimed my mom at some point right before my anesthesiologist came in. We were both in tears because all we both wanted at that moment was for her to be in that hospital room with Luis and I. I had to say goodbye as the anesthesiologist came in to give me his spiel on what to expect from him during my c-section. After he was done I was led to operating room where I was given a spinal, which was probably the most painful part of the whole procedure ... he had to puncture into my spine twice because he didn't get it right the first time. After that my whole lower body was numb, they laid me down and Luis was let into the operating room.

The anesthesiologist told me that once we began the procedure my blood pressure would probably drop and I would feel nauseous and light headed. He said I could let him know if I was feeling sick and he would pump in meds to make me feel better. He said he already had two other women throw up while on the operating table and he was hoping I would be his first of the day to hold my cookies in ... sadly, I didn't make it out of the operating room without vomiting. I asked how long the c-section would take and he told me about an hour from open to close and said, "but you'll have your baby here in about 2 minutes or so." I thought he was being sarcastic, but by the time I knew it I started feeling some pressure on the lower part of my body and then I heard the most wonderful crying screams! I looked at Luis and asked, "he's already out?!" Luis was looking over the curtain covering my body and taking photos with his phone and said, "Yes! He is!"

After that a nurse took Ayden to a table not to far from where I was laying and saw him for the first time ... so tiny and beautiful and loud ... I've never believed in love at first sight, but at that moment I knew it was real. Luis held his little hand as they cleaned him off and the nurse took picture of them. She then brought him to me and laid him on my chest and we both locked eyes and a sense of peace and joy seemed to fall upon us. No one else in that room existed except for him, Luis and I. I was in complete awe of this little human being I had wrapped in my arms. I couldn't believe that after nine months we made this precious little boy and he was ours to cherish and love for the rest of our lives. I was so in love with him, and in that moment I had never loved Luis more than I ever have.

The doctors were about done with closing me up when I started to feel lightheaded and nauseous and before we could tell the anesthesiologist I puked my guts out and apologized to him for not being his one out of three that day. My blood pressure rose and instead of taking us to our hospital room I was told we'd have to stay in the recovery room for 24 hours so I could be monitored every hour and given magnesium to help prevent possible seizures due to my preeclampsia. After we were settled into the recovery room I facetimed my mom and introduced her to her first grandchild. We were so happy and excited to finally have him with us.

The rest of our stay at the hospital was exhausting, to say the least, and there were times where I had a couple of breakdowns. One in particular, that we can laugh at now, happened our second night at
the hospital. We were running on very little sleep from the night before due to nurses coming in and out every hour to check on Ayden and I. Ayden had started to cry around midnight so I got up to check him and realized that his diaper was half off his booty and he had pooped everywhere and on everything. I had to wake up Luis to help me get him cleaned up. The look on Luis face was one of, "I can't believe that I am doing this baby-stuff again after 12 years." (For all of you who aren't aware Luis has two other children who are 12 and 11). My heart broke for him because I could see how exhausted he was and what possibly could be going on through his mind at that moment. We got Ayden cleaned up and Luis went back to sleep and I got back in my hospital bed with Ayden in my arms and started to cry and I whispered to Ayden, "Your dad is going to leave us. But we'll be okay." I was a mess at that moment and extremely emotional ... Luis isn't going to leave me ... I hope, lol.

We were discharged Thursday afternoon. It was so great to be home and so weird to be home with a brand new infant. I showered and then I napped on our recliner chair in the living room. As I napped I heard Luis on the phone with who sounded like my mom and I heard her say, "I have some bad news ..." I instantly woke up and asked what's going on? My mom let us know that Damian had called her to let her know that he had just found out he was exposed to COVID-19 by an employee at his job. We were devastated. Our happy day had turned into one of anxiety. It hit me then that our precious little one had been born into such an unhealthy world, and how the hell was I going to protect him now that he was out of the safety of my womb? Damian called me a little after we got off the phone with my mom. I asked him if he was okay and he responded, "I was until I heard your voice." We both cried over the phone and I reassured him that he would be okay, that he needed to go get tested so we would know for sure if were dealing with anything and then go from there. He told me that he would keep his distance from us in order to keep Ayden safe and I thanked him.

Lauren, Damian's girlfriend, showed up to bring us Roxie's dog food (she did us the favor of dog-sitting while we were in the hospital). She was the first to meet Ayden. I told her to tell Damian when he got home from work he could come by and meet Ayden through our front glass

 door. A half hour later Damian was knocking at our front door to meet his newborn nephew. I put on the bravest face I could and kept it together while Damian looked at Ayden from the other side of our glass door. Damian later told me he cried all the way home and told Lauren, "I didn't want the first time I met him to be behind a glass door." Damian went and got tested the next day and was negative for COVID-19. He still did not want to come meet Ayden, just to be on the safe side, but I told him since he tested negative we were okay with him coming to meet him in person. He offered to wear a mask and wash his hands before they met.

Later that Thursday night my mom, dad and two step-kids got to town. My excitement of my parents meeting their first grandchild was probably on the same level of me becoming a mom. They were overjoyed and overwhelmed when their eyes fell upon Ayden. They came in and never let him go. We spent the rest of the weekend obsessing over our newest family member and enjoying his first new days together. We learned those first few days Ayden loves to be sung to and likes noises and being around his loud family. He loves to be outside and feel the warmth of the summer days. He had the cutest little cry when he was days old, I called it his little velociraptor-cry.

Ayden is three weeks old now, and it feels like just yesterday that we brought him home into our lives. To be honest it's been very stressful becoming a mom during these uncertain times and I've struggled on not over-stressing on how I can keep Ayden as safe as possible from this virus in our world. I've also struggled with the fact that I can't let him meet all of his new family and friends all at once, in order to keep him safe and healthy, and that's been the most difficult part. I pray over Ayden each night, and its the same prayer each night, that God will protect us and keep us healthy and that He helps us keep our faith and trust in Him. I am sure God has an amazing plan to heal our world and bring us health and peace soon. Until then we will be here loving, protecting and watching our newborn grow.

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Like Getting Hit by a Bull ...

Within a split-second my brain shut down all thoughts running through my head and I heard a little voice inside start to say “We’re going to hit, and hard. It’s going to hurt.”

My arms stiffened up and my hands tightened around the steering wheel as the rest of my body pushed itself back against the driver’s seat and my left foot slammed down on the brake pedal. I knew I wasn’t going to stop in time when they hit their brakes out of nowhere and I was driving too close behind. I rear-ended my Jeep Renegade into a blue Ford F-150 at about 35-40 mph.

The back of that pickup came in so fast and when I hit I blacked out from taking a punch to the face from the airbag that deployed. When I came to, two guys had opened the Jeep’s passenger door and they were asking me if I was okay. I couldn’t respond because at that moment I felt the excruciating pain running through my chest, and my lungs were burning from trying to catch air to fill them back up. I looked out the crushed windshield and saw nothing but road in front of me, which left me bewildered on what happened to the truck I just slammed into with some incredible force. Another guy came up to my Jeep and said, “They just took off! I’m going after them!” He ran off got in his car and drove off heading north on the Lovington Highway towards the Joe Harvey Boulevard intersection.

I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks and I was finally able to tell the guys I was “okay, but in a lot of pain.” A young cop showed up on my driver’s side door and opened it and started asking me tons of questions. “Are you okay ma’am? Do I need to call the paramedics? Did you see who you hit? Did the driver of the other vehicle get off and check if you were okay?” My head was spinning trying to answer all of his questions. I told him I was hurting and no, the other driver didn’t check on me and left the scene. I asked if I could get out of my Jeep to get some air and make sure I could walk. The officer helped me out of the Jeep and I walked to the front where the impact happened and my heart sank. The Jeep was completely crushed in. It made me hurt more seeing how hard I had hit that Ford pickup.

The guys who were kind enough to help me asked if there was anyone they could call for me but I told them I could make the call. I knew my mom would freak if she got a call from someone other than me telling her I was in an accident. I pulled it together enough to make the call to her and told her what happened and that I needed her to come get me, I broke down and told her, “I’ve totaled the Jeep.” She asked if I was okay and I said yes. She said “I’m on my way.” I hung up the phone and called Luis and just sat there in my crushed up Renegade and cried over the phone to him. He reminded me that me being okay is what mattered the most.

I overheard the guys who helped me telling the officer they weren’t able to get the other driver’s plate number because it was crushed in along with its tailgate. I prayed that they were okay and not injured. My mom and paramedics showed up. The paramedics checked me out — I already had bruises across my chest and on my the lower part of my right ribs. I also had a bump and a couple of cuts on my head. The paramedics told me to go to the hospital. I asked if I could go to Nor-Lea in Lovington instead of Lea Regional and they said that was fine, but I’m sure they thought I was trying to get out of going. They said, “we highly recommend you to go get checked out at the hospital.” I told them, “I will. Trust me, that lady out there is not going to let me go home until I go to the hospital.”

I walk into the ER and I’m sure I looked like a mad woman, limping in with an obvious banged up head and uncontrollable tears falling down my face. I go up to the front desk and tell the lady sitting there, “I’ve been in a car accident and I need to make sure I’m okay.” The look on her face was priceless and it seemed liked she was waiting for me to tell her I was kidding. I’m sure the ER’s are used to getting their vehicle accident patients via ambulance and not having them check themselves in. After a few seconds she said “I’m so sorry!” And started typing in my information quickly.

I was called in for a CT scan for my head and chest and X-rays on my spine and pelvic bone. Thank God, everything came out fine and I just had to deal with some major bruises and body pain. When I got home I examined the damage left on my body and it wasn't pretty. I was also annoyed that the scars on my forehead did not form a lightening bolt shape so I could look like Harry Potter.

I climbed into bed gingerly, and let my beat up body relax. I laid there and thanked God for allowing me to feel like I had just gotten hit by a bull, instead of ending up worst after that accident. It blows my mind how quick something like that can happen and how we never know when it might all end for us. I got lucky. I could of hit my head even harder and stayed unconscious. I could have not walked away from that accident with just bumps and bruises. I’m so thankful that I’m okay and that no one was seriously injured.

I’ve always told myself that there has to be at least one second before you die to get good with God, but the reality is sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes we are taken unexpectedly and we don’t have the chance to even treasure our last breath. Life is not a guarantee and it can all end when you least expect it. I know that after this experience I’m appreciating having another day and loving my loved ones a little harder and cherishing them more. And I will pray every night for all my family and friends to never have to be involved in an accident.

Be safe out there ya’ll! Life is to precious to be living it carelessly.

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Why I've decided not to Race around the World ...

It's been a bit of a crazy time since August. August was when I was accepted into a missionary organization called The World Race. The plan was to do this mission trip for 11 months in 11 different countries starting August 2018. I was excited when I stumbled on the advertisement on my Facebook feed and even more excited after I applied, interviewed and was accepted to join one of the teams.

Then the fun part began.

For the next few months I started the process of fundraising for The World Race. In order to do this mission trip I had to raise $18,100 by August 2018. I am a very blessed and lucky individual because when I told my family and friends about my plans they were more than supportive and jumped at every fundraising opportunity with me. In the past six months we were able to raise around $2,800 to go towards The World Race. 

Recently, it has come to my attention of a couple of things that made me question my decision of going and participating in The World Race for 11 months. Foremost, I would like to clarify that I have nothing against The World Race and believe wholeheartedly that this organization is doing some great things around the world, and I have deep respect for those who serve. My decision of not participating comes from a very personal level where I have prayed, sought counsel and contemplated whether sacrificing 11 months of my life is the best thing for me to do at this time. 

I know in my heart and soul that I can do a mission trip for a year and have the strength to be away from home and my loved ones that long, but when I asked myself if I truly wanted to leave for 11months, the answer, 'yes' did not immediately come to mind and my heart felt crushed just thinking of leaving. My life is in a really great place right now. I started a new job that is going incredibly well and I love the fact that I get to help children and their families. Graduate school is great, I love what I am studying and am looking forward to the chance of becoming a mental health counselor. My mental state is also so good. And leaving all of this behind in six months was going to be very difficult to do. 

It has also been brought to my attention how un-Catholic the World Race is, and how difficult it would be to serve with other Christians from other religions. My decision to not do The World Race has nothing to do with the missionary organization not being Catholic. To be completely honest the fact that a bunch of Christians from different faiths coming together to travel the world and help others in need in the name of God and sharing the love of Jesus is half the reason I wanted to join. I liked the idea of different Christians working together for a year and having the opportunity to share their faith with each other. Yes, it would be 1,000 times easier to join a Catholic-based missionary organization, but I wasn't planning on doing a mission trip in the first place, The World Race just kind of fell on my lap one day. 

So to make a long story short, at the end of the day my heart is not at peace in doing The World Race and with that said I have to stop my fundraising efforts. To those of you who have graciously donated funds to me I would like to first off apologize for wasting your time and thank you for supporting me in this endeavor. The $2,800 that I have raised will stay with The World Race and I have no doubt that those funds will be used for nothing more than something good and will glorify God in some way. 

If you would like any of the money back that you have donated to me, please let me know and I will more than gladly and willingly return it to you. I have decided that I will donate $2,800 of my own funds in honor of you, my supporters, to someone who is need locally or to an organization that needs financial support. That way I know and you all know that we definitely have helped someone. I will keep you all informed of where that money goes to and who it helps or supports.

I truly feel called to serve others and I know God will use me for his glory. My new job offers ample opportunities to help many children in need and I am currently getting involved in youth ministry at my local church. As the great Mother Teresa once said, "Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love." 

I hope that I have not disappointed any of you too much with my decision not to go on The World Race. If I have I am truly sorry and pray that you find it in your hearts to forgive me. Thank you all for the incredible support you have all shown me. It is so good to know that I have such amazing people in my life. Please keep me in your prayers, as I will keep all of you in mine. 

This decision was incredibly difficult to make, but I truly believe it is the best thing for me to do. And I feel complete peace in my heart and soul. 

"The Lord is my strength and my shield, in Him my heart trust and I am helped."
- Psalm 28:7

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What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month (PROMPT 29)

Let's see, the biggest change this month is I've been 29 for almost a month — do I feel any different or more mature, nah.

I've been keeping busy with friends and family, which had been a lot of fun. I've been seeing a counselor, which has been interesting and helpful for my mental health.

I'm pretty sure I messed up a potential relationship, but I'm not going to beat myself completely over it. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't of worked out in the end anyway. We both were on two different pages on what we wanted. So, yeah another one bites the dust.

I decided to apply for graduate school at the University of the Southwest. I am hoping to pursue my masters degree in Educational Science with a focus in Mental Health Counseling. Maybe my crazy can help someone one day.

I gained eight pounds ... thanks a lot June, with all the birthday parties.

Next month, I hope I will be starting online classes at USW. And hopefully mental health counseling is my calling.

I hope I am happier, and dealing better with my own mental health issues next month.

I hope for more fun times with my family and friends.

And to lose the eight pounds I gained.

Yup, those are my life goals for the next several weeks.

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PROMPT 28: The month I was happiest this year and why ...

The first month of this year is probably when I was the most happiest.

It put an end to a pretty crappy year, and it was a fresh start. Things were looking really good in January. I was happy and I hadn't been that happy in a very long time.

I started dating a new guy, that was fun, exciting and I really looked forward to see where that relationship would take me — I felt like I had finally got it right, finally found the one I'd been looking for.

January was just a month that held endless possibilities for what the year could bring. It was a blank slate ... it was a chance to heal and let go of all the baggage I was carrying from 2016.

And that's what I did. I left everything behind and came into the new year with hope, faith and the determination to have a better year in 2017.

January held lots of laughs and joy. It held a time where life was simple, pleasant and warm. It was a great way to start the new year.

Life doesn't always go the way we want ... Life isn't meant to be planned. You can't make life just be good all the time, things get hard, it gets messy and we still have to deal with it no matter what.

I'm just glad the year started off with a good month.

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Let Me Tell You 'Bout My Best Friend ... (PROMPT 27: Talk about your siblings)

Damian and I go way back ... well we go back to Sept. 16, 1993 — the day he was born.

I was five years old, and I was ecstatic that I was going to have a little brother or at least that's what I have been told by my parents.

I do remember asking my parents if we could name him Derek. Why? Well because there was a kid on Barney & Friends (yes, the big purple dinosaur) who I guess I liked.

Evidently, my parents went with the name Damian.

Damian came into my life at perfect timing, because at that point I was an only-child and a spoiled-rotten, bratty little girl. Damian came in like a hurricane, and he was so damn cute — this chubby, chunky little babe.

Growing up with a little brother I traded in my Barbies for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, baseballs and go-karts.

We had a blast growing up together. Of course there were fights — lots and lots of fights. One time Damian tried to get me in trouble with my mom by pretending that I was picking on him and yelling from the living room, "Denise! Stop it! Stop being mean!" My mom was in the bathroom and she started yelling at me to leave Damian alone. I was in my room and told her, "Mom! I'm not even in the same room as him!"

There was the time right after one of his birthdays when
he was given a bunch of toy guns. One was this really cool crossbow that shot rubber bullets. This thing would shoot at like 30 miles per hour. Damian came into our room pulled out the crossbow and shot me in the face at point blank — let's just say it more than hurt. He had to collect all his new toy guns and throw them in the trash as punishment.

One time, I accidentally busted his head open with a baseball bat. Yes, I swear it was an accident. We were outside with our dad and I was up at bat. I was doing a couple of practice swings when Damian walked right behind me at the perfect moment when I let the bat swing behind me and DINK it smacked his little head. A fountain of blood started shooting out of his forehead. Damian stood there repeating "Oh my God!" over and over. I turned around, saw him and freaked out and started running around the entire yard. Dad didn't know who to take care of first — the bleeding kid or the psycho one running around like a maniac.

So yes, we've had our number of adventures and they have continued as we've grown up.

Damian has been my scary movie buddy, where we both end up being scared senseless and end up sleeping in the same bed, he's been the Luigi to my Mario, the Diddy Kong to my Donkey Kong, he's been my roller coaster and theme park bambino ... he's been my best friend since the day he escaped from the womb.

Now that we're both adults and we're both trying to figure out why we wanted to grow up so fast, Damian has become my biggest support system, my shoulder to cry on and my hero.

He has and I know will always have my back. Damian is one of the biggest reasons I still have faith that good men exist, because Damian has become a remarkable man. I've been very blessed by God to have been given a brother like Damian.

And I have been so lucky to have been able to live with Damian as my roommate in Lubbock for about a year and a half. Leaving him in Lubbock was so hard to do ... I miss him everyday. I miss his ridiculous jokes and I miss laying around on our couches quoting movie lines and cracking up at our inside jokes.

I can only hope and pray as the years go by we continue to be close. That we continue to have adventures and continue to be a blessing in each others lives. My constant prayer every day is for God to protect my little brother and make his dreams come true.

And if God has to take one of us from this earth I ask Him to take me first, because I can not imagine or live in a world where Damian does not exist.

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