What if love came easy to me?
What if I had the story book love, the kind where everything falls into place like it seems to happen for other people — boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy doesn't question feelings about girl, they get engaged, wed, start a family?
What if I didn't go through the numerous heartaches I've been through ... my high school crush finally giving me the time of day but only to have him tell me all he wanted was to sleep with me or my first love leaving me for another girl he met at his university and marrying her a year later.
Then the guy I dated for four months who got ridiculously drunk the first time he met my family because he was jealous of my best guy friend, or the guy most of you have read about, who was probably the worst, that lied to me for an entire year and basically stole my family's truck.
And most recently, the guy who was seven years older than me and I thought was mature and the breath of fresh air I needed after my last toxic boyfriend, tells me that I'm his girlfriend and tells me, "I wouldn't let you meet my kids if this wasn't serious." Then a week later on his birthday decides to ghost me — not talk to me any more, not answer my calls or return texts because it's so much easier to be a coward than man up and end things with me after almost three months of dating.
What if I never get it right? What if my heart continues to fall for the wrong guys? What if I can't ever trust myself, my mind, my instincts? What if I settle, because I've forgotten how to be happy with just myself? What if those are the kind of guys I deserve?
What if I'm the problem? What if I can't figure out what to change about myself to stop having men treat me the way they have been and do? What if I'm not enough? What if it's not meant to happen for me?
What if?
Those what ifs are the ones that haunt me late into the night. I know they seem silly, but it's a struggle for me.
What if I had the story book love, the kind where everything falls into place like it seems to happen for other people — boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy doesn't question feelings about girl, they get engaged, wed, start a family?
What if I didn't go through the numerous heartaches I've been through ... my high school crush finally giving me the time of day but only to have him tell me all he wanted was to sleep with me or my first love leaving me for another girl he met at his university and marrying her a year later.
Then the guy I dated for four months who got ridiculously drunk the first time he met my family because he was jealous of my best guy friend, or the guy most of you have read about, who was probably the worst, that lied to me for an entire year and basically stole my family's truck.
And most recently, the guy who was seven years older than me and I thought was mature and the breath of fresh air I needed after my last toxic boyfriend, tells me that I'm his girlfriend and tells me, "I wouldn't let you meet my kids if this wasn't serious." Then a week later on his birthday decides to ghost me — not talk to me any more, not answer my calls or return texts because it's so much easier to be a coward than man up and end things with me after almost three months of dating.
What if I never get it right? What if my heart continues to fall for the wrong guys? What if I can't ever trust myself, my mind, my instincts? What if I settle, because I've forgotten how to be happy with just myself? What if those are the kind of guys I deserve?
What if I'm the problem? What if I can't figure out what to change about myself to stop having men treat me the way they have been and do? What if I'm not enough? What if it's not meant to happen for me?
What if?
Those what ifs are the ones that haunt me late into the night. I know they seem silly, but it's a struggle for me.
