For the past couple of months I’ve been struggling with many things, well let’s be honest the past year has been a real struggle.
But lately, I’ve been treading in waters that have been difficult for me to keep my head above. I’ve had to battle anxiety for a while and I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and had to be put on anti-depressants.
I know the reasoning behind what triggered my current state-of-being — suppressing emotions and ignoring the fact that I needed to take the time to feel the hurt that was squeezing at my heart and the time to heal. But instead, I distracted myself, which was easy because for a while there were people in my life that helped keep me occupied. But then I had to deal with losing those people as well, so it was a double-dose of heartbreak and anger.
It became too overwhelming and it got the best of me and I went down, fast.
I’ve been doing much better with the support of my family and the meds, of course, but some days, or more like weeks, are harder than others. Like last week, was a hard one. It was hard to wake up every morning and just do life. It was a struggle to push through each hour of the day. At the end of the week, I had no plans. I just planned to stay in Texas and do nothing really, which is depressing in itself, but I got a call from my aunt and she said she was coming into town.
I was glad she called and looked forward to her visit. It had been a while since we had spent some quality time together, just us two. We did some shopping and lots of talking and at some point I told her that I felt like I couldn’t help but feel that there is something wrong with who I was. That I couldn’t understand why the people that had been coming into my life seemed to just walk all over me, use me, crumble me up and toss me away. I told her that I just didn’t understand why my path kept crossing with these kinds of people and I was struggling with seeing my self-worth and thinking that I’m the reason people feel they can be so crappy to me.
She told me that there is nothing wrong with me that I have a big heart and I’m willing to see the good in anybody. I told her that I know in my heart and soul that it’s not me and that I am worthy of good things, but it’s so hard to believe because of everything that has happened and the kinds of people that keep falling on my lap.
On Sunday afternoon, we decided to go to church. We sat and listened to the readings and then to the priest's homily. Then he pulled out a $20 bill. And I knew exactly where he was going next with his speech.
When I was on REACH (the traveling youth ministry group I served on for two years) we would do a talk for high school kids with a $20 bill. I sometimes gave that talk. I’d pull out a $20 bill and ask them who would like to have the money? Hands would shoot up into the air. Then I’d crumble up the $20 bill and ask again, who wants it? And of course, hands would shoot up and kids would yell, I’ll take it. Then I’d drop the crumbled up $20 bill on the floor and smash it and grind it under my shoe. I’d pick it up and ask who still wants it? Hands would fly up in the air again. Then I’d sometimes unwad the crumbled up, stomped on $20 bill and tear 1/4 of it off and ask do you still want it? Hands would shoot up and kids would say, Yes! We can just tape that back together.
The priest on Sunday gave the same presentation with his $20 bill and as he spoke tears started rolling down my face. I needed to hear the $20 bill talk and be reminded that no matter how many times I feel crumbled up by people, or no matter how many times I feel people walk all over me, kick me to the ground and stomp on me, no matter how many times I feel so torn and broken that I still have worth, just like that crinkled up $20 bill.
I have so much worth that even through my battled-scarred soul and body there are people in this world that will love me, accept me, see the worth and value in me. That one day, no matter how worthless, unwanted and unlovable I feel, someone out there is going to love me for me. Want me for me. Accept me for me. Will want me to be a part of their life forever, because they will know I’m a diamond in the rough.
That one minute speech about a crumbled up $20 bill gave me a boost of strength and some of the healing my heart was searching for.
We must always remember we are worthy of love and entitled to live amazing lives. We are worth an infinity of $20 bills — we are priceless beings. And if someone can’t see that, then they don’t deserve any of our precious time or amazing love.
But lately, I’ve been treading in waters that have been difficult for me to keep my head above. I’ve had to battle anxiety for a while and I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and had to be put on anti-depressants.
I know the reasoning behind what triggered my current state-of-being — suppressing emotions and ignoring the fact that I needed to take the time to feel the hurt that was squeezing at my heart and the time to heal. But instead, I distracted myself, which was easy because for a while there were people in my life that helped keep me occupied. But then I had to deal with losing those people as well, so it was a double-dose of heartbreak and anger.
It became too overwhelming and it got the best of me and I went down, fast.
I’ve been doing much better with the support of my family and the meds, of course, but some days, or more like weeks, are harder than others. Like last week, was a hard one. It was hard to wake up every morning and just do life. It was a struggle to push through each hour of the day. At the end of the week, I had no plans. I just planned to stay in Texas and do nothing really, which is depressing in itself, but I got a call from my aunt and she said she was coming into town.
I was glad she called and looked forward to her visit. It had been a while since we had spent some quality time together, just us two. We did some shopping and lots of talking and at some point I told her that I felt like I couldn’t help but feel that there is something wrong with who I was. That I couldn’t understand why the people that had been coming into my life seemed to just walk all over me, use me, crumble me up and toss me away. I told her that I just didn’t understand why my path kept crossing with these kinds of people and I was struggling with seeing my self-worth and thinking that I’m the reason people feel they can be so crappy to me.
She told me that there is nothing wrong with me that I have a big heart and I’m willing to see the good in anybody. I told her that I know in my heart and soul that it’s not me and that I am worthy of good things, but it’s so hard to believe because of everything that has happened and the kinds of people that keep falling on my lap.
On Sunday afternoon, we decided to go to church. We sat and listened to the readings and then to the priest's homily. Then he pulled out a $20 bill. And I knew exactly where he was going next with his speech.
When I was on REACH (the traveling youth ministry group I served on for two years) we would do a talk for high school kids with a $20 bill. I sometimes gave that talk. I’d pull out a $20 bill and ask them who would like to have the money? Hands would shoot up into the air. Then I’d crumble up the $20 bill and ask again, who wants it? And of course, hands would shoot up and kids would yell, I’ll take it. Then I’d drop the crumbled up $20 bill on the floor and smash it and grind it under my shoe. I’d pick it up and ask who still wants it? Hands would fly up in the air again. Then I’d sometimes unwad the crumbled up, stomped on $20 bill and tear 1/4 of it off and ask do you still want it? Hands would shoot up and kids would say, Yes! We can just tape that back together.The priest on Sunday gave the same presentation with his $20 bill and as he spoke tears started rolling down my face. I needed to hear the $20 bill talk and be reminded that no matter how many times I feel crumbled up by people, or no matter how many times I feel people walk all over me, kick me to the ground and stomp on me, no matter how many times I feel so torn and broken that I still have worth, just like that crinkled up $20 bill.
I have so much worth that even through my battled-scarred soul and body there are people in this world that will love me, accept me, see the worth and value in me. That one day, no matter how worthless, unwanted and unlovable I feel, someone out there is going to love me for me. Want me for me. Accept me for me. Will want me to be a part of their life forever, because they will know I’m a diamond in the rough.
That one minute speech about a crumbled up $20 bill gave me a boost of strength and some of the healing my heart was searching for.
We must always remember we are worthy of love and entitled to live amazing lives. We are worth an infinity of $20 bills — we are priceless beings. And if someone can’t see that, then they don’t deserve any of our precious time or amazing love.
